Valentine Doomsday

By Meggie Gates on February 14, 2014

Valentine’s Day, the holiday us single people avoid like the plague. Falsely weaseling it’s way on to the calendar as day of celebration; this travesty has been widely accepted as a day of cheer between two people in love. For some of us, this day is a romantic, heartfelt day spent between couples that will most likely breakup within the year. However, for the rest of us, we get to fall asleep cuddling our favorite food and wakeup in a pool of chocolate and our own tears. Luckily, there are some steps I have to make you forget for a fleeting moment that you may possibly die alone.

 

An absolute must on Valentine’s Day is to watch The Notebook. Think of all the fun you’ll have trying and failing to associate with how perfect Aly and Noah’s relationship is. For 124 minutes, you’ll get to completely lose yourself in the aesthetically pleasing world Nicolas Sparks has created as a mockery to single people while thinking the entire time, “maybe there is a boy out there who will write me a letter every day and build a giant house for me.” However, the most romantic kind of message us ladies would ever receive would probably not be suitable for a Nicolas Sparks movie.

 

So you survived step one. Reward yourself! You’ve somehow repelled every man for this long and for that, you deserve a treat. Get in your car and quickly speed on over to your nearest grocery store as soon as your eyes stop raining. Once there, make sure to avoid all food that reminds you of men; bananas, hot dogs, popsicles, etc. Stock up on things that are going to taste great mixed with tears and steadily increase your weight. The fatter you get, the happier some taken girl will be when she compares herself to you. Remember, Valentine’s Day is their day, not yours.

 

The final step in having a successful Valentine’s Day is the dinner. Dress up nice and book a reservation for yourself. You don’t have to go out with another person to have a good time. Once at your favorite restaurant, scan the area for the most naïve couple in the place and try to get a table nearest theirs. When seated, people will begin to wonder why you are there alone. Until they realize you’ve been “stood up” by your imaginary significant other. At that point they’ll feel so sorry they’ll have to buy you dinner. Who needs a boyfriend to pay for your meal when you can take advantage of the kindness of others?

 

Overall, Valentine’s Day is a day made by card industries to make sure they stay in business. It’s not a real holiday so there’s no need for you to worry about being alone. If you are feeling lonely this 14th, there’s always the casual encounter section on Craigslist.

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